Sexual Addiction, Day 10: I’m still here!

It’s been some time since I updated last, wow…  7 days ago already?  You would probably think that I’ve relapsed…  However, thankfully I haven’t.  Nor have I even been tempted.  I’ve actually been pretty busy with work and my family, so there hasn’t been much time to even let my mind wander.  That’s a good thing!  I’ve made it 10 days before though.  We’ll see what two weeks brings.  At the moment, I’m feeling pretty good about things.  Hopefully nothing will change.

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Sexual Addiction: Day 3, What now?

Well I’ve gone through my story and my plan.  I’m not sure what to talk about on my third day, so I’ll just blabber for a bit.  So far, so good.  I’ve started to get the beginning feelings after not looking at porn for 3 days.  They’re fairly easy to ignore this far along.  They normally get stronger and stronger until they finally break me.  I went for a walk today and have just been trying to keep focused in other directions.

I know I can Google it and find out, which, I probably will soon… But I can only imagine some of the effects porn has on your brain.  I used to be able to read books and was interested in other things.  Since the pornography took control of my brain, I have to force myself to read a paragraph.  If I read a book, I end up making it a page or two and then I’m either asleep or going crazy from boredom.  I can soak any type of information up that’s in a video format though.  Maybe it’s not porn doing that, maybe it’s just modernization.  Until I can prove myself wrong, I blame the porn though.  I was diagnosed with ADHD and I really wonder how much of that is contributed to porn.  I don’t necessarily think it was the fault of porn, but I can only assume it doesn’t help it at all.

Anyway, for now there’s not a lot to say.  Day 3, so far so good, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Sexual Addiction: Day 2, My Plan.

I’ve made quite a few attempts at giving up pornography over the years.  Whatever happens to your brain when you’re a sex addict really makes it difficult to give it up for some reason.  This all started around the age of 13 for me and I’m now 34.  Pornography and sexual addiction has ruled well over half of my life.  I’ve gone through many phases of trying to give up, at the same time I’ve also tried the “this is what I am” route, typically because I failed at giving it up.  This time, I’m going to try to make it different than previous efforts.  I want to try to use Gods power to help me give it up.  If what the Bible says is true, this is going to be possible to give up once and for all and I should be able to document the process.

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

James 4:7 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Philippians 4:13  “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

1 Corinthians 10:13-14 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.  Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry”

1 John 2:16 “For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

I have a Bible background, but it’s not a strong one, probably due to my problem.  I studied a lot of Revelation along with bits of Daniel and Ezekiel.  I am essentially the equivalent to a new believer.  I really want to know the Bible and understand God better.  So, I’ve decided to focus primarily on that.  I started some basic courses here:

https://www.biblicaltraining.org

My plan is:
1)  Prayer.
2)  Learning about God (via www.biblicaltraining.org and reading the Bible itself).
3)  Attending church services and socializing with others (I am pretty isolated).
4)  Getting outside and getting fresh air and exercise more.
5)  I’ll probably check out www.nofap.com and network with the other people there.

With that being said, I’ve made it through day 1 and half way through day 2 without any problems so far.  It’s not now I’m worried about though, it’s in the next couple of weeks.  I watch this frequently to remind myself the evil of sexual sin:

 

Sexual Addiction: Day 1, My Story.

Hello and welcome to my story.  I’m writing this primarily as therapy for myself, but in hopes that someone else will find it and it will also help as an inspiration to those of us who also struggle.

To my knowledge, I was never abused or molested as a child.  I grew up in a very Christian family.  My father is a pastor and I grew up in church most of my life.  My mother taught Sunday School, conducted musicals, and other nice events in the church.  I was not a wild child and I always behaved well.  I do not blame my parents, because I believe they raised me right.  I was properly disciplined whenever I did something wrong.  I knew the difference between right and wrong, but somehow I lost my way.  I can only blame myself.

I don’t know how old I was, probably around the age of 12 or 13.  Girls were starting to be an interest to me.  We were at a campground in Nevada on a family vacation.  I took our dog for a walk in the fenced “dog area” of the campground.  While I was waiting for him to do his thing, I saw a ripped piece of a magazine being blown into the fence by the wind.  I don’t know if it was curiosity or boredom that drove me to pick it up, but that’s exactly what I did.  What I saw was something I can only describe as pure awe and fascination for the eyes of a young boy.  I should have left it and tried to erase it from my mind.  Instead, I started at it with my mouth open for a few moments and then tucked it into my pocket.  I took it back to our RV and hid it somewhere it wasn’t likely to be found.  Each time I had a few seconds to myself, I’d pull it out and stare some more.  This started it all.

These were the days slightly prior to a computer and internet being in every single house.  My parents got me a computer, but they weren’t comfortable with me having the internet (smart parents) so we never got it.  Unfortunately, I turned into a 13ish year old computer guru.  I was really inspired by computers and ended up borrowing the “1,000 Shareware Programs” CD from my school teacher.  They apparently never looked at the contents of the CD first.  I found an app called “Strip Poker” and the splash screen was the top half of a nude woman.  I took a screenshot and saved it to a special hidden directory on the computer.

I wanted internet access and you can probably imagine why.  I quickly turned into a super guru of computers and was able to bypass any type of filters on the computers/networks at school.  I started going into school early, staying late, and taking any breaks I could in the computer lab or at a spare computer I could find.  My time with pornography started increasing.  I started desiring more.  Softcore was no longer enough and I drifted into harder things.

Years passed, the addiction grew.  Girls at church ended up being an object.  I was only interested if they were there and what they were wearing.  I only became interested in eye candy.  I eventually stopped going to church.  There were enough hypocrites in the church and I didn’t want to be one of them.  My mind was already corrupt anyway. As strange as it is, I did actually try to save my virginity before I was married.  Eventually, I couldn’t take it any more and I messed that up too.  That started another phase into the deep dark hole that I have dug for myself.  After the first girl was another girl, then another, then another.  I kept feasting on any girl I could get with. I started living out the filth I was watching.  One girl became two at a time.

I tried going back to church and I met a “christian” girl there.  We had sex almost right away.  I married her, thinking it would help fix me. She never knew, but I cheated on her during most of it because I had no self control.  We both had our own issues and we got divorced a year later.  I ended up telling her I had a sexual addiction, hoping she would help me, but she wasn’t interested at that point so neither was I.  We got divorced and then I tried beating my record of how many girls I could have sex with in a day.

I started to realize how broken and messed up I was, so I tried to control it.  I went back to church and tried to give it up.  The problem with the mind is that it remembers everything.  You get images stuck in your head that you can’t get rid of.  I’ve never tried drugs or anything like that, but I can imagine this being harder to give up than drugs.

There were several girls in the area around me who I couldn’t stand, but always went to them for sex.  I was trying to stop, but I just couldn’t seem to do it.  I decided to change my life entirely, so I moved out of the country.  It’s a little extreme, but now there’s an ocean between myself and them.  Now there’s a new problem…  I still have the internet and I’m in an area where prostitutes are legal and cheap.  I only hired two prostitutes, it wasn’t really my thing… The addiction keeps telling me I want more though.

I met a girl that I genuinely love.  We got married and had a child together who is now almost 2 years old.  I thought it would be good to tell my new wife about my issues.  I just told her the basics.  I told her I was addicted to pornography and what I did when she wasn’t around.  Much to my surprise, she wasn’t really even upset about it.  Come to find out, her Dad used to watch porn on his TV while she was growing up and he has pin-ups of women up all over his garage.  Ultimately we agreed that I wouldn’t be bringing the computer with me in private anymore.  There needs to be a lot more to stop an addict.  Now it’s my cell phone.  I have an online business that I have to stay attached to almost 24/7, so going without the internet is almost impossible for me.  I still slip up frequently.  The most I can go without pornography is about 2 weeks if I’m lucky.  Pathetic, right?

Today…  I’m stuck in a loop of porn, regret, and shame.  I’m going to attempt to go cold turkey.  I’ve tried this before, but this time I’m going to give it my best effort and use God to help me.  I am a Christian.  Though I’ve been through so much and did so many things that are wrong in the eyes of God, I still believe in Him.  I feel that if I died right now, I would go to hell and it scares me.  He would be justified to do so.  It’s what I deserve.  Thankfully I know that God is a loving and forgiving God, but I have to give up my ways.

One thing I did learn in church was bible prophecy.  I have watched it for years.  I am convinced that the second coming of Jesus is near.  Everything is lining up.  Not only do I hate what I have become, I am scared for myself.  I want to fix myself immediately.  I know this will not be easy and there will be days ahead that will be almost unbearable.  I want to do this for God.  For me.  For my wife.  For my daughter.  For women.  For those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction.

This is something so terrible that it’s extremely hard to escape.  This is day one in my journey of being pornography and masturbation free.  I’ll be posting every day of my status and things that I am doing to help me.  I want to document everything so I can help myself and others.  If you are struggling too, we are in this together.  Let’s make today the first day of the rest of our lives.